loser

i know i'm being unfair...but since the other day i can't help but feel alone.

i lost one of the few people i have sync with because he loves me in a selfish kind of way that he does not want to be a part of my happiness if i'm not with him...even if he himself is committed.

and as if that was'nt enough i tried picking up fights with georgie porgie. i'm sorry gp but since you are one of the closest people to me right now i can't help it. it's like i'm constantly in need of security, knowing that despite the losses, i still have something or someone to keep...but since i have you however, i'm not secured...i tend to drive you away...to build a wall around me, just to see if you care enough to knock these fuckin' walls down. it was like i'm testing you even though i know you don't need to prove anything...as far as i know, not to me anyway.

so i go with this drama..."let's not talk or text and do anything together for awhile.." hoping you'd go out of your way to find out...sadly you did'nt. you just asked why and then settled with it. maybe i am not that important to you as i think i am...so to save face i'll stick to my drama. am i such a loser?! if we don't talk...fine. it's better to find things out early while we still can choose to turn back.

but i'm sad and i think i'm gonna cry tonight...

cannonball

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

by: damien rice

...separate lives...

you said that you're happy for me and you wish that the person i found would love and take care of me more than you ever did. you thanked me for everything so many times that i lost count.

i did not have credits to tell you that i'm not in a relationship...yeah, i have been spending some time with somebody...somebody special. however, that does not mean that i needed to say goodbye to you...or so i thought.

i don't know if i'll be hurt by the fact that you assumed being with another person would automatically make me happy. though this guy make me smile and frown all at the same time does'nt mean i've found love. i found a friend, let's just say we took one step forward crossing the line of friendship, but that does not make us a couple...he's a companion, and we are on an unstable ground. we both know that we are not ready to commit, which i think is wise because that eliminates the possibility of hurting each other in the future. he's in my life as much as you are in it, but you're two different persons, both from a different time.

i'm not telling you this to stop you from saying goodbye, nor am i explaining things to you because i am defensive. i'm thinking out loud here, i'm saying these things for whatever it may be worth...to you. i'm not going to wave my hand while you walk away and wipe my tears afterwards, i've wiped those tears a long time ago because you already bid me goodbye long before you said it. the moment that you loved another woman, and stayed with her even if you kept on telling me you love me is like a neon sign flashing in front of my face that i ignored for the longest time. just like what i've said, i'm not moving on and i'm not letting go...i'm just living my life, with or without you.

i'm not asking for you to fight for me, not because you can't but i know you just won't. i'm not expecting you to stick around, the way i did, because you're not me. i'm not expecting you to be what i was when i was waiting for you to come around, to choose. if you wanna go, i'm not gonna stand in your way...but i'll never lock my doors. you can come anytime and you don't even need to knock...just come in as if you never left...

you said that from now on, we'll live separate lives. we're going to trail on different roads, that may or may not cross again...if that's what you think this is all about, then so be it...

...motto of the day...

i did'nt know how it happened or when it started...all i know is that for a couple of days now i have been at war with some of the people i care about.

i hate the fact that i'm starting to get clingy...that i'm demanding. i don't own them, and even if i did, that does not merit me the right to impose what i want from them...for they would get ticked off because they don't understand...and i can't make them. i want them to understand in their own time and in their own way. they don't need to be forced or to be pressurred because that would'nt be understanding at all...it's like love (cheesy, i know), you can't make people love you, if they don't.

don't get me wrong but i've had my fair share of broken hearts and painful memories. i think the only thing that sets me apart is the fact that the pain did not make me bitter, it never made me cynical. after all of the shit and crap, at the end of the day, i still believe in fairy tales, in happily-ever-afters, in love at first sight, and in the concept of "the one".

it's ironic how i can talk about love and yet be at war with the ones i care for. maybe as much as i'm mad at them, i'm more mad at myself. because those people remind me that i get affected. that their actions could somehow make or break me...and i don't want that. i want to be my independent, happy, single? self most of the time. i want to know and assure myself that i don't need them.

so from now on, i'll try not be clingy, but that would mean that i will need to add personal space. less expectations...less pain...that would be my motto for today.

the morning after

they say that you should'nt shit in your backyard...but what if you did? what if contrary to what people say, it's not shit...not anywhere near it anyway.

what does watching a movie mean? texting when both are just a feet away so people would'nt know. what happens after spending the night in a friends attic lead to things other than sleeping? how do you act the morning after? or the next day? week? or month?

how do you deal with the fact that things have changed and will continue to do so? how do you reconcile with the thought that it may have meant something to you but not to him. you ask yourself "where do we stand?" not knowing if he is thinking the same or was it just a one night thing for him. you don't want a relationship...not yet though. you don't want to hear him say "i am attracted to you" just for the lack of better things to say. you just want to hear the truth.

his truth.

what he has to say. what he thinks. you want him to speak out loud and say something that would make sense to you or would shed light to the dark place you are currently in. you just wanted to know what it meant...if it even meant anything...at all.

you don't want to ask him. you don't want to look and feel like you're running after him. you don't want to put him on the spot because you don't want to hear him say something that may not be true. you don't want to look into his eyes and see the emptiness of the words he just uttered because he thinks that was what you needed to hear. you don't want to be patronized. you don't want to see him lie to your face because you're so sick and tired of being lied to over and over again.

so you sit in your little corner. convincing yourself that it's ok if you don't talk about it. telling yourself hundred of times that if it does'nt mean anything to him...it won't mean anything to you just the same. but at the back of your mind, just like a thief lurking in the dark, you know it means something...and you realize as it starts to sink in, that aside from the facts stated above why you don't want to confront him is this fear of knowing that you are not wanted...that you have been used in a way...that you were rejected...

it may have meant nothing to you, but i just want you to know, i gave you more than my body that night...it may not have been my heart...but a part of it...of what was left...i gave you my trust...and maybe the ability to make me feel this way...

that night i gave you the power...

to hurt me...

and that is what scares me...

equally the same

i never knew that realizing you're almost completely out of love is as hard as having you're heart broken.

it's just as hard to come to terms with the fact that the person who used to mean the world to you is sized down to somebody less than a stranger. you don't see him behind rose-tinted glasses anymore. you see him like it's the truth shouting out loud to you, that he's not the same person...or rather you're now a different person.

life stopped revolving around him and everything that he do. what used to be everything to you in his terms stopped. you now know what the importance of compromise is. you know know that sometimes it's not bad to prioritize your needs first. to be able to free yourself from other people's expectations...or hold, on you. to be able to decide based on your terms or understanding of things.

it's hard because you get used to the routine. you get used to the fact that whatever happens there would be somebody somewhere out there who is thinking of you...or dreaming of you at night.

you are hurting just the same because you know that day after day you'll start to forget. his smile and the sound of his voice. day after day your memories will start to blur. his face and the curves that used to be so familiar to you. day after day there would be something specific you'll start to miss. his touch and the warmth of his nearness. it is not just a demise of you heart and mind...but your senses as well.

you now know that when you leave, you don't necessarily have to say goodbye. you leave one day at a time. you don't brand it as moving on or letting go...you just want to live your life...with or without him...

...gone...

when is over really over?

a question i have asked myself a million times but somehow still at this point, i have'nt fully grasped the true concept of letting go.

at 22, i can say that i have my fair share of relationships-both long and short term; one thing i have learned is that moving on is a matter of dedication.

it's a decision...to finally break the ties that bind you to your past. and for somebody who have said goodbye like it's greeting somebody "hello", i have decided to make a resolution.

the next time i'll let go, there would be no words...no drama...no letters to proclaim the great love found and lost. no words to make you cry...

the moment i feel it's time to finally go...i would not even give you the final look before i walk out the door. i will leave with all my emotional baggage with me...i'll leave with my heart...or what's left of it.

i would be quiet, you won't even hear the final click when i close the door. i will go unnoticed.

i would be gone and you would not know it. i'd be so discreet you would not feel my presence...or the lack thereof. i would not be missed. it would be like the old times, only there would be no occassional messages...no fleeting moments to sieze...just an empty space where i used to fill in the gaps...

i watched a movie with you sunday...you held my hand and you let me lean on your shoulders. even in the darkness anybody who would pass by could have that lovestruck look i had on my face, needless to say...i was happy.

after the movie, i could not allow myself to let you go...not yet.

i wanted to spend more time with you, even for just that one night.i wanted to own you ...and i did.

we went to your place. we drank and talked about the things in our everyday lives. we talked about my sister, and your brother and their complicated situation. we talked about your work and what i do. we talked about your family and your situation at home.

but we did'nt talk about "us" or about "her".

i did'nt want to bring it up...

i don't want to spoil the great conversation that we are having with something stupid like "i love you...when are you breaking up with her...?"

i don't want to see that unsure look on your face as you try to search for an answer...because you are unsure.

i don't want to feel afraid...because i might hear something i don't want to hear. not that i'm not prepared, truthfully i am...but not yet. not while i can still take it...not while i'm still not ready to let you go.

you told me that there is dignity in silence.

you told me that people only asks questions when they are unsure.

so i kept silent...

i wanted to savor every second of being with you because i don't know when would be the next chance.

that's why in my mobile i named you "hiram".

i was borrowing...rather, stealing these moments from "her". i know it's wrong and it's unfair...but i could not pass on the chance to get together with you. the need to be next to you was so great, all concept of right and wrong, fair and unfair vanishes.

we talked.

we held hands and cuddled.

we made love and you spooned me.

everything about that night was perfect.

i'm happy beyond words but i refuse to be intoxicated with bliss to carry on that same hapiness the next day. because after that night, the next morning we would be going back to our respective lives.

when we wake up and you go to work, you would be with "her"... and i would be back to where i precisely was the night before...away from you, maybe in body but never in heart.

after that night, i don't own you anymore.

after all i just borrowed that time...morning came and beyond the silence i know...

my time was up...and that goes without saying...

...help me...i'm saturating...

i don't know what people call that certain stage in your life where most things fail to make sense.

others brand it as saturation.

a certain point in your life where you do not see the the reason for doing things. you just want to stop abruptly. you start to feel that it is so much of a routine, you want to puke.

its like seeing the eyes of somebody you love and not feeling a thing. not feeling the emotions it used to convey beyond words. sometimes you start building this unconcious new habbit of not even looking at him. of not caring what you see and what you can not. it's sad.

i just want to sleep...sleep as long as i need to shake this feeling. i want to wake up and see the purpose in the things i do the way i used to. i want things to start to make sense again. i want to understand you again by just looking at you without needing to say a word.

maybe i'll just walk dead for a little while.

maybe walking dead would remind me what it feels to be alive...again.

maybe...

maybe not...

more lies

after reading your email, i was restless. it was not long that i found myself texting you again, rebattling your message with one of my own. throwing questions one after the other, and not being open enough to hear out the answer.

i texted you, words masked with the underlying tone of indifference...i was once again pretending. we exchanged a number of messages, you trying to explain while i sit back, throw questions, listened.

i weighted the possibility of being seduced again to a state of uncertainty, the very phase of my life that i recently ran away from...that i'm still running away from, which is all in vain. the harder and farther i run, the faster you catch up on me. it's like whether i choose to run or hide, you keep up with me, i'm trapped. trapped in this labyrinth that i had created for myself. how can somebody be your true north and at the same time be your pitfall?

we talked about working things out. you asked me to give you the same benefit of a doubt that i would normally give the person next to me, i agreed. you asked me to try and hear you out first before consulting with other people, i agreed.

until, my sister texted me. my sister told me "she" was there. my sister told me that "she" would probably be spending the night. so all the while you where texting me, "she" sits in your living room, while you are outside, sneaking behind "her" back trying to set a date for us to conclude the long overdued talk. if i was one hell of a bitch, i should have jumped for joy. especially after my sister told me that "she" seems a little suspicious and started tinkering with your cellphone demanding to know who you were texting. you subtly brushed her off, saying in your most nonchalant voice, "i don't know".

in my next life, i should be reincarnated as a bitch. that should have beeen the perfect tele novela moment, where the antagonist smiles deviously as her plans gently fall into place, while she makes life a living hell for the leading lady.

problem is, i don't wanna be the antagonist. even in real life, i was never the type.

then came morning. i was at work. my sister texted me and informed me of the "gory" (that was her term, not mine) scenario that she had graced upon waking up at 4am. my sister found "her" draped in just a blanket, apparently flushed from an evening of passionate love making.

i was speechless. it was like i was stoned. i did'nt want to move. my breathing ceased for a while.i took a break, lit a cigarette and inhaled the smoke as hard as i can until i can feel my chest ache and tighten. the pain was nothing compared to what i was feeling. it does not even come close to giving justice to the kind of torture i was undergoing.

and you tell me you wanted a second chance.

you tell me you love me and want to work things out.

you tell me lies everytime, all the time and i wonder why i never learn. why i never get tired of hearing it over and over again.

would you rather just take my life? slit my throat, or bang my head to the wall until i bleed to death? or do i need to have this heart of mine frozen until its numb and hard, until it is devoid of feeling, or until its unable to recognize any emotion known to human kind.

i'd rather die an instant death. can somebody shoot me now?