with the turn around of events in my life, though i've tried to overcome most of them because i want to be a more mature person when it comes to post relationship trauma,i can't help but feel like a loser...

the men in my life who used to love me more than life itself are now gone. it makes you think if there is something wrong with you somehow. you start to wonder if one day you just wake up and you are a whole different person altogether. somebody "they" can't love. somebody "they" don't want to be with. i hate what i feel and it makes me feel like a bigger loser for even thinking something like this.

well, sometimes that's what being lonely can do to you. when people you love, suddenly does not love you anymore, you feel unwanted. and you get scared,every single day. you get afraid that other men will see this ugly side of you that "they" see.

i don't know, but i feel scared, afraid, whatever you want to call it...that nobody will ever hold on to me.

i don't want to be the girl they always say goodbye to....

i don't want to the girl who always gets left behind....

sniff.sniff.

birthday wish..es

one of the greatest blessings in my life is having a great brother and two wonderful but crazy-as-hell sisters. we are really bonded to the core. having our fair share of mischief and covering of each other's ass once in a while, i believe it was the lack of a mother figure for almost a decade that made us stick like glue.

i appreciate when i don't have anybody to vent my frustrations to because most of my friends are busy with their respective lives, i just turn around or dial a number and i'll get one of my two sisters.

i love how the only brother gets to be with me during drinking session with the guys because he loves me so much, he lets me slap him,yes slap him whenever i had too much to drink (it's not that hard,the slap believe me, lambing lang un,hehehe).

today, one of those precious people is celebrating her birthday.

kat, happy birthday and i congratulate you for bagging the summer job that you applied for. i wish you good health,good hair (because she is so concerned with her hair). i wish you a lot of men,broken hearts,happy moments as well as sad once so you'd learn life's lessons and appreciate things more (not that she does'nt).i wish maturity and everything else that would make you happy...except mond...sorry...he's beyond prayers and wishes now...

just have a good one ok.

i love you, little sister.

ashole...like everybody else

i brought my niece to our old neighbor's baby's first birthday yesterday. i did'nt know how to get to their new place because everybody left earlier than expected which left me with nobody who knows the directions to go with.

so, i did the only logical thing left to do,i called vhal. yes,he is the ex boyfriend whose heart i broke. since he knew the neighbor's husband and he knew the place better than i do, i asked him if he could go with us just to guide us to the place,he agreed. that was a mistake.

i don't understand while people agree to something they don't really want to do. he came late. he asked to help carry my niece (which i think is nice of him), until a certain point where we would be passing his ex-girlfriend's house...he handed my niece back to me with a crap of a reason that he is tired, which i know is bulls**t. i gave him "the look" and got my niece back just as the sister of his ex was shouting "vhal,yan ba?! yan ba ha?!". i was pissed but i could have just let it go if he did'nt reply "wala na! wala na ngayon!" i wanted to kick his butt.if i only knew the way to the party,i could have asked him to just go home and leave us alone...but i did'nt and it made me powerless and more pissed.

after passing the house and is a good distance from it,he asked for my niece again, which i refused to let him carry. i did'nt care if i was sweating like a pig or if my limbs are starting to get numb, i just could not believe his nerve. then my niece,my very,very loyal niece also refused to be carried by the bad guy. so i told him, "ayaw nya na sumama sayo kasi kinakahiya mo daw sya.." imagine my horror when he said something like "hindi naman ung pamangkin mo ang ikinahihiya ko na makitang kasama ko..." that was it! i wanted to put my niece down and give the guy a beating. i wanted to shout at him,but of course i did'nt. i just said "is that so, then why did you fucking come in the first place?" he did not reply, i wanted to strangle him with my bare hands.

we got to the party and he left immediately. i did'nt thank him (i know,i'm a bitch). i asked someone to look after my niece and then went ahead for a smoke.

i'm mad at him but i can't blame him. i cheated on him, i deserve his anger. he is entitled to hate me...but i won't take crap from him or from anybody else for that matter. so i made i resolve, if you don't want to be seen with me, fine.i don't wanna be seen with you either.

let's stop this let's-try-to-be-friends-crap because there's really nothing to it but crap.
so you can hate me or you can curse me. i don't really give a s**t! you're not the person i thought you were anyway, so go ahead, take a hike! and maybe get a life!

my sister SMSd me yesterday.she has this constant demand to talk over the phone on a daily basis. i think she just misses us because she now lives with the father of her baby who happens to be the little brother of my greatest love...yeah,the one who got to break my heart into a gazillion pieces...over and over again.

well,my sister informed me that ex-boyfriend of mine (not the brother of his baby's daddy) called her (he has really been close with the family ) and was just checking on her and the baby which he got to love as much as i do. sister informed him about other sister's upcoming bday this saturday and urged him to come. ex-boyfriend decides to drop by,but take note,told my sister that he was dropping by because he wanted to see them and not because of me.

wtf?!

why would he think that i would assume something like that? i was never the assuming type. sister just laughed out loud and said, "do you really believe him when he said that,i don't know bout you but i think he's gonna be there to see you as well,he just don't want to admit it.he does'nt want his ego to be bruised."

for all those people who is thinking, "why not just get back with him?"

let's see why not...

i won't because i'm not really in love with him to actually want him back.

i won't because i don't want to break his heart into a gazillion pieces by making him think that things are going to be different when it really won't.

i won't because he's a good man and he deserves someone who will fall completely head-over-heels in love with him.

i won't because i'm not a selfish bitch and i know he is trying to move on and i don't want to jeopardize that opportunity for him to find happiness.


so never mind that i'm alone.

never mind that i don't have somebody to cuddle with or talk to till the wee hours of the night.

never mind that i may find myself strolling malls, watching a movie or dining by myself.

yes,i may be alone...but at least i'm not hurting anybody in the process...

...jim...

i miss you so much.

and the fact that you are now in another part of the world does not help.

no more late night booze for the weary, loveless couple that we are.

no more early morning crying sessions for the hopeless romantic pair that we are.

no more guy ditching for the bitter, cynic people we temporary become after having our hearts broken for the nth time.

i love going out with you and pretending we are a couple. cause even if you are one of the gayest (is there such a word?) people i know, you dress up decently.

i miss how you make me laugh.

i miss how you know the right punch lines to say at the right time.

i love it when you laugh at my jokes after delivery and not 5 minutes after.

i miss you so damn much, i want to put myself in a care package to be sent to you.

i miss you even if you call me and use that specific phone card to talk about nothing in particular.

i miss you because i have a lot to tell you i don't know where to begin, or if i do, when to stop.

i miss you most especially because there has been nobody after you left that has been there for me like you...not one even came close.

i miss you and i do look forward to the day when we get to live in will-and-grace like fashion.

Image_16

Image_16, originally uploaded by xynith_08.

me with my niece which is normally pretty and all smile but for some reason decided to wear a scowl on her cute chubby face on this picture.

here she is...the love of my life...

***

it's my dad's birthday yesterday. happy birthday papa!

i'm tired and groggy...and i'm at work. all because of playing poker all afternoon compromising quality sleep. what good did it do me? well, for one, i am now 65.00 pesos richer. second, i am now so tired and so trying hard to concentrate on staying awake that i can't think about "you" a LOT.(yeah right!)

i'm reading a new book. something by anna quindlen. it's nice. however, some of the lines keep tugging straight to the heart...my heart. it's something about being trapped for the longest time with a relationship that abuses you. even if in the story is with regard to physical abuse and what it does to one's life, i can totally realte to it. like for this specific line which said:

"maybe he was testing me, to see how much i could take. maybe he did that everytime, until one day he decided that i would take anything. anything at all."

maybe you did. maybe you woke up one day and decided my fate just like that, and there after you never stopped hurting me...even if you claimed to love me more than anything else,still, it hurts. and you got irritated when i once told you "...i love you so much, it hurts..."

maybe you don't understand...you never did...and you never will...

...

was'nt able to come to work yesterday. a friend,mimi crashed at home and we got engrossed in talking about our respective fucked up lovelives,i was'nt able to sleep.

i told her everything, i cried bacuase i was not able to do so the past few days. her presence was a relief, she made me feel a whole lot better.we had this conversation:

mimi:don't expect the "he" would really let go of you, even if you almost begged him to.

mimi:"he loves you in a very selfish way, he's not going to let you off the hook that easily...".

me: "why?, he already made a choice. he stayed with her. he chose to hurt me and abandon me again for the nth time".

mimi:"he did'nt abandon you, you made that decision for him..."

i was quiet. i started thinking. how can a person say he loves you more than he loves the other person, when he can't leave her for you? how can he love me more but chooses to protect her feelings instead of mine? how can i believe him after hearing him give her the exact same words he gave me?he promised her exactly what he promised me.

i was supposed to argue with her however,as if reading my mind she told me "you don't expect him to leave the only person that was there for him when his whole world came tumbling down after you were gone..., it's not the sense of loyalty that kept him from leaving her,he does not want to hurt her because he knows after all that has happened, she does not deserve that.

me: "and i deserve it, is that what you are telling me?"

mimi: "no. but sometimes we need to take ourselves outside the frame to see the bigger picture. you should'nt expect him to leave her just because you are back.he can't walk away from her...in almost the same light that he can't let you walk away"

complicated? tell me about it.

mimi: "he will be back,just you wait and see..."

me: "but i don't want him to be back if he is still with her.i'm not even sure if at this point, i still want him to ever come back in my life. i thought that people given their second chance, would be different. not entirely different, but just enough to merit the opportunity given them. but i was wrong. maybe part of it was my fault. maybe i gave him this impression that i love him so much that i'll always be around."

mimi:yeah...maybe you did...maybe at some point in our lives,we all did...but you know, i envy you.

me:why? we are in the same fucked up situation, what makes me any different from you?

she: because you were able to say goodbye...it does not matter if that was the hundreth time,but you managed to do so.the difference between us is that you want to liberate yourself from the situation, not sink deeper into it.and i believe that you sincerely wish he'd go away and leave you alone. although it would hurt and it would break your heart,at least you know what you want and have the guts to tell him..."hey,if you can't love me,set me free...". i on the other hand...can't. i'm afraid he'll actually do it and let me go...forever..."

i'm also afraid mi, if that makes you feel any better.
i'm also afraid that he would really walk out that door and vanish from my life forever...i may appear ready for it,but there's still a part of me that is not...and i guess will never be.

but what can i do? personally, i believe he already made a choice,and that is to spend and rebuild the rest of his life with someone else.i may be the person that he loves but she is the one he chose to be with.

tough luck...yeah.shit happens everyday.

why do i blog?

it's almost a year now since i accidentally stumbled on a site. the reader that i am got the best of me and tried to read on this person's page, which was still unkown to me as a blog. i got interested, checked the archives and envied the person who owned it. i envy her because she can write openly about anything, she's not scared to let people know (but there's always this cloak of anonimity when you blog). people can get to know you through your writings but not really know you, do i make sense?

so,to make it short,i researched on how i could do it,and i did. i could not begin to explain the emotions i felt when i published my first post. it was kind of liberating, to be able to tell the whole world how you feel. however, it also made me realize that apart from my inclination to write, i wanted to be heard.i wanted people to know...and maybe to understand.

currently, i am now checking out this new blog page that i stumbled on browsing on other people's page.i'm not trying to pry on her life by reading each and every entry, it's just in her posts, more often than not, i can relate to what she is saying. like her, most of my entries is about my complicated lovelife, or the lack thereof.i can identify to what she writes, and i feel we share the same sentiments.

so,to you...if you have been seeing my name a whole lot browsing your pages, i hope you don't mind. it's just nice to know that whatever i am feeling,i am not alone.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

sunshine after the rain

after posting yesterday, i got this note from my immediate supervisor, congratulating me because i'm doing good...and if that was not enough, she approached me in my station, to give me this piece of laminated paper with my name on it recognizing my efforts. i was thrilled, not because of the reconition but because i feel appreciated.

at least one aspect of my life is not fucked up, right?

oh boy, maybe this is god's consolation, for having my heart broken into a gazillion pieces over holy week.

*******
when it rains it pours. i got home at around 11:30am. as usual, i ate lunch and slept all afternoon? or early evening until 6:30 pm. when i woke up, my mom told me that my previous company had called and that my back pay is now ready for pick up next week! hooray!weeeh!

i am so imagining the things that i would like to spend it on. :)

in loving and losing

got this text message from you just as i was preparing to leave for work...i believe you already read my letter...you said something like "...there's not enough words...but...thanks...anyway...so long...bye bye baby...". i would have replied something melodramatic but i stopped...i need to get used to this, because even if i begged you to leave me alone, i know at some point, you still won't...and i have to be prepared for that. i don't want you catching me off guard again...vulnerable. i answered plainly..."yes, there is not enough words for you to say...problem is you just want to say it...you don't come around to do it, yeah...goodbye.." i wish it would be the last time i would have to tell him that. and as if on cue, when i opened a notebook, i found this piece of paper where a once wrote this some lines from a book,it said:

"when you lose somebody and you are not expecting it, you don't lose them all at once; you lose them in pieces over a long time -- the way the mail stops coming and their scent fades from the pillows or clothes in drawers and closets. gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. just when the day comes -- when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that they are gone...forever -- then there comes another day, and another specifically missing part..."

A PRAYER FOR OWEN MEANY
John Irving

yes,this rings true. for it takes a certain amount of time for us to get used to the fact that they are gone...forever...

...final note...

i wrote you my final letter...god knows how many of those i've written for you in the past...so many i can't begin to count them.
in those letters,the theme was always the same,i'm pissed off or...you hurt my feelings...or you take me for granted...all that and a lot more.

imagine how it must be tiring to start reading a couple of these and know instantly from reading the first few paragraphs how it would end.it's like watching a couple different movies with the same plot.just a difference in people,in places and in scripts but basically,still the same.

yes,it is tiring to say goodbye over and over again...you think that doing it often than you need to would actually lessen the impact...the pain,but it does'nt.because no matter how many times you do it...it hurts the same...sometimes more than the first time,or the last time you did it.

most of the time,we try to justify our decisions only to feel doubtful whether or not we did the right thing. we expect them to come after us,you tell yourself "if he really loves me...he'll want me back and pursue me...".you run this scenario in your head...you plan what you will say...you play this mental image over and over again that you begin to feel every emotion that it would trigger when it happens...but you don't know how to deal with it when it goes the other way around.you know the cliche "if you love someone you should let them go..."but they never say what to do when they don't come back.you did'nt have time to play that one scenario in your head when everything turns out differently...you cry yourself to sleep or on some occassion,drink yourself into a state way beyong being drunk not to care if you are crying and pouring your heart out to a drunk audience.then, you wake up in the morning with a bad case of hangover, thought about the previous night and instead of feeling better, you feel worse.it starts to sink in...he's not coming back.you paint a mental picture of him smiling happily with a new beau.you cry again...it's the same unending cycle...you die a little everyday.

we sometimes wonder if we would ever get tired...of crying...of saying goodbye...of meeting a new person who you know would eventually leave you and bring you back to square one.

i'm not tired...i'm hurting...way beyond words and way beyond tears.but what more can one do,when the only person they have built their world around turns his back to be with somebody else?you try running after him,emotional blackmail and all sorts of things that would stricken him with grief...but still,he's not coming back running to your arms...he stikcs with her.

sometimes we should just set them free...no matter how painful,we close our eyes and pray the hardest to be set free in return...to be set free from all the anger and the pain...to clearly understand that time does not really heal our wounds...we just get used to living and going on with our respective lives without them in it...we close our eyes and pray our hardest for courage...courage to face each and everyday that they are gone...we close our eyes and pray our hardest for strenght...strenght to wipe our tears after crying for a long time...

its easier said than done...i know...i just did it tonight.
i closed my eyes...wiped my tears...and prayed my hardest for freedom...for courage...and for strenght...and i thank god for those people who have been there for me and continually be there for me everytime my world crumbles down into pieces...

linlangin mo...by regine velasquez

Bakit ikaw? Bakit ako?
nalilito ang puso ko
sabihin kung paano sayo'y
lumayo at lumutin ang
pag-ibig mo
hanggang kailan
hanggang saan pagmamahal ay
walang hanggan ngunit kailangan
nang magpaalam di ko nais na
ika'y masaktan

linlangin mo itong puso ko
sabihin mong pagibig ay
naglaho upang sayo
ay lumayo at talikuran
ang nadarama ko
bakit kailangan pang magtagpo
kung sa huli ay
magkakalayo bakit ngayon lang
nadama ito ngayong puso mo'y
natali ng isang pangako

ngunit paano nang sayo'ylalayo
kung ikaw ang bulong
ng aking puso