i watched a movie with you sunday...you held my hand and you let me lean on your shoulders. even in the darkness anybody who would pass by could have that lovestruck look i had on my face, needless to say...i was happy.

after the movie, i could not allow myself to let you go...not yet.

i wanted to spend more time with you, even for just that one night.i wanted to own you ...and i did.

we went to your place. we drank and talked about the things in our everyday lives. we talked about my sister, and your brother and their complicated situation. we talked about your work and what i do. we talked about your family and your situation at home.

but we did'nt talk about "us" or about "her".

i did'nt want to bring it up...

i don't want to spoil the great conversation that we are having with something stupid like "i love you...when are you breaking up with her...?"

i don't want to see that unsure look on your face as you try to search for an answer...because you are unsure.

i don't want to feel afraid...because i might hear something i don't want to hear. not that i'm not prepared, truthfully i am...but not yet. not while i can still take it...not while i'm still not ready to let you go.

you told me that there is dignity in silence.

you told me that people only asks questions when they are unsure.

so i kept silent...

i wanted to savor every second of being with you because i don't know when would be the next chance.

that's why in my mobile i named you "hiram".

i was borrowing...rather, stealing these moments from "her". i know it's wrong and it's unfair...but i could not pass on the chance to get together with you. the need to be next to you was so great, all concept of right and wrong, fair and unfair vanishes.

we talked.

we held hands and cuddled.

we made love and you spooned me.

everything about that night was perfect.

i'm happy beyond words but i refuse to be intoxicated with bliss to carry on that same hapiness the next day. because after that night, the next morning we would be going back to our respective lives.

when we wake up and you go to work, you would be with "her"... and i would be back to where i precisely was the night before...away from you, maybe in body but never in heart.

after that night, i don't own you anymore.

after all i just borrowed that time...morning came and beyond the silence i know...

my time was up...and that goes without saying...

...help me...i'm saturating...

i don't know what people call that certain stage in your life where most things fail to make sense.

others brand it as saturation.

a certain point in your life where you do not see the the reason for doing things. you just want to stop abruptly. you start to feel that it is so much of a routine, you want to puke.

its like seeing the eyes of somebody you love and not feeling a thing. not feeling the emotions it used to convey beyond words. sometimes you start building this unconcious new habbit of not even looking at him. of not caring what you see and what you can not. it's sad.

i just want to sleep...sleep as long as i need to shake this feeling. i want to wake up and see the purpose in the things i do the way i used to. i want things to start to make sense again. i want to understand you again by just looking at you without needing to say a word.

maybe i'll just walk dead for a little while.

maybe walking dead would remind me what it feels to be alive...again.

maybe...

maybe not...

more lies

after reading your email, i was restless. it was not long that i found myself texting you again, rebattling your message with one of my own. throwing questions one after the other, and not being open enough to hear out the answer.

i texted you, words masked with the underlying tone of indifference...i was once again pretending. we exchanged a number of messages, you trying to explain while i sit back, throw questions, listened.

i weighted the possibility of being seduced again to a state of uncertainty, the very phase of my life that i recently ran away from...that i'm still running away from, which is all in vain. the harder and farther i run, the faster you catch up on me. it's like whether i choose to run or hide, you keep up with me, i'm trapped. trapped in this labyrinth that i had created for myself. how can somebody be your true north and at the same time be your pitfall?

we talked about working things out. you asked me to give you the same benefit of a doubt that i would normally give the person next to me, i agreed. you asked me to try and hear you out first before consulting with other people, i agreed.

until, my sister texted me. my sister told me "she" was there. my sister told me that "she" would probably be spending the night. so all the while you where texting me, "she" sits in your living room, while you are outside, sneaking behind "her" back trying to set a date for us to conclude the long overdued talk. if i was one hell of a bitch, i should have jumped for joy. especially after my sister told me that "she" seems a little suspicious and started tinkering with your cellphone demanding to know who you were texting. you subtly brushed her off, saying in your most nonchalant voice, "i don't know".

in my next life, i should be reincarnated as a bitch. that should have beeen the perfect tele novela moment, where the antagonist smiles deviously as her plans gently fall into place, while she makes life a living hell for the leading lady.

problem is, i don't wanna be the antagonist. even in real life, i was never the type.

then came morning. i was at work. my sister texted me and informed me of the "gory" (that was her term, not mine) scenario that she had graced upon waking up at 4am. my sister found "her" draped in just a blanket, apparently flushed from an evening of passionate love making.

i was speechless. it was like i was stoned. i did'nt want to move. my breathing ceased for a while.i took a break, lit a cigarette and inhaled the smoke as hard as i can until i can feel my chest ache and tighten. the pain was nothing compared to what i was feeling. it does not even come close to giving justice to the kind of torture i was undergoing.

and you tell me you wanted a second chance.

you tell me you love me and want to work things out.

you tell me lies everytime, all the time and i wonder why i never learn. why i never get tired of hearing it over and over again.

would you rather just take my life? slit my throat, or bang my head to the wall until i bleed to death? or do i need to have this heart of mine frozen until its numb and hard, until it is devoid of feeling, or until its unable to recognize any emotion known to human kind.

i'd rather die an instant death. can somebody shoot me now?

...half truths...whole lies...

well,i just got back from my off. it was nice because i got to watch a movie with a friend and a cousin last tuesday night in G4. we saw mi:3, it was good. then i spent the rest of the rest day taking care of my beloved niece.

all went well until i got to the office, logged-in and trouble shooted with a customer having e-mail issues. i tried to ask him to send an e-mail to my personal account and what do you know? "you" have an e-mail for me. i read through it, and i could not contain the tears afterwards. it was very hard to trouble shoot while trying my very best to sound ok to the customer.

i don't know why you felt you had to send me any message.i know you wanted to clear things and all, but can't you see? by doing that, you've yet again destroyed the only concept of clarity and peace i was getting used to the past few weeks.

i did'nt need to hear about it.

i did'nt need to hear the underlying note of apology.

i did'nt need to hear you justify why you had to stick with her, or the lack of choice you had in the situation.

i'm trying to get over the fact that you deserted me for the nth time.i want to deal with this without the anger or hatred. i want to be a more mature person when it comes to post raletionship drama. i'm trying to deal with every fucking day the fact that you never really loved me. i'm trying and it's not easy, but i get by.

i always wondered if i would be happy or sad if you finally let me go. i kept on asking myself would i really be glad that you found it in my heart to let me go and stop hurting me? or would i be sad because you let me go without giving it a fight?...just like you always do...and i never quite understand why i never learn.

so, maybe you were covering your ass. maybe this is your way of dealing with the guilt. maybe you wanted me to understand.

but i don't. i don't understand at all.

you chose her. you break my heart.

you tell people that you can't leave her because you think you are finally learning to love her. you tell me now,that given the chance, you'd still wanna be with me.

you said that you don't wanna mess up my life anymore but you e-mailed me.

now, tell me, where the hell is the truth in your words?

i don't need your half truths and whole lies. if you don't have the guts to tell me things straight to my face, them you don't deserve to be heard.

...ssdd...

i have a headache. it's because i enjoyed so much. i was with my team mates drinking at 9 am. we consumed a lot of drinks that i was alomst puking my way home (almost). when i woke up later that night, i have this trembling knees to go with the headache. for a moment i considered not going to work, but given the absentism rate our team is suffering,i changed my mind.

i called you because i was toying with the idea of spending the night with you, however upon hearing your voice, i changed my mind. so we just chatted for a while.

good thing i brushed that idea aside and went to work. i do believe that i'm looking forward to working the past few days...and it's all because of the people in working with...and because for a long time now i was pretending to be busy and happy without "you"...but not anymore. i am now truly happy, although busy and i'm starting to think about "you" less and less everyday... which i think is the same shit...on a different day.

...tattered...

well, the week is just starting for me at work...sucks that we were not able to take advantage of the company outing because of the schedule. a batchmate of mine was able to go, and she has pictures, i must admit, the place is nice and i would really love to go if i had the time. well they are trying to see if we can just go on a team outing, which, is fine by me because my teammates are really fun to be with.


=================

on other things. vhal had been texting me since yesterday. basically apologizing for acting like a first class jerk the last time.i gave him a hard time at first but when he texted me again last night, i became more forgiving and told him that it's now ok, that i was just venting out the other night.

he told me to take care on the way to work.

he told me to eat because he knows i have this tendency to skip meals especially if i'm sleep deprieved.

he told me he missed me and wanted to exchange SMS but that was his last credit. i told him,it's ok because i'm already off to work and i bid him goodnight.

this should have been one of those interactions where you could just brush it off your shoulder after a few hours, but i can't.

because he told me a lot of things, not to mention the fact that he still loves me.

i don't know how to take it.

or maybe i just don't want to hear it because i don't want to deal with it...not tonight...or some other night.

i don't want to go over the whole process of breaking his heart again.i'm sorry but i'm just not that cruel.

===============

i miss my niece.

i got "me" back

hey,i'm at work...where i should'nt be.yes i'm rendering over time, you got that right.lucky for me,calls are not queing during this time and i would like to take advantage of the unlimited internet access to publish my posts. :)

i'm looking forward to another bonding session with my cousins next week. we had a blast of a time hanging out last saturday,and an empty wallet the next day, when i unexpectedly got the day (or night?)off. we went to gerry's grill and pigged out on their really,really good and really, really crunchy sisig and other stuff. had a few rounds of san mig light until 2 am. as if we can't get enough of each other,we decided to hang out some more and have cake and coffee (caramel frap for me!) at starbucks in tomas morato.we spent the next 2 hours and a half just laughing as hard as we can,we exchanged doses of gossip about the people we know...and the people we don't and laughed some more on some silly joke or punchline someone threw in the conversation.

it was fun being with people who make me feel alive...and real and not just some gal who has a whole routine composed of: go home-sleep-wake up-eat-sleep-wake up-eat-sleep some more-wake up-take a bath-go to work.

life, i learned last saturday should not be devoid of energy...of laughter...and of clean unadulterated fun.

usually, i would have spent that night off sleeping, maybe weeping or shedding a tear or two, but not last saturday. last saturday, i decided that i'm free, i'm single, i am employed and i have the means and the right people to spend time with to genuinely have a good time.

last saturday,i rediscovered that i still have a life...after you...or after anyone else for that matter.

last saturday, i finally found my former self again. the carefree, spontaneous, opinionated and fun-loving person that i was before you came...maybe that is the person i need to be again...maybe that was the person who got lost along the course of being head-over-heals crazy in love with you.

i finally got that person back.

bad case of missing you...

since friday,there has been a lot of blog worthy events that took place. i don't know if it was my lack of sleep that prevented my fingers to type away or if it was the overwhelming feeling you get when you realize that you are experiencing a bad case of missing somebody you have'nt really seen for a couple of months now.

so, let's just talk about those blog-worthy events some other time.i know,i'll be posting about it sometime before the week ends.

lets talk about paul (yes,that is his name).

for some,they have seen his name a couple of times in this blog,but lately, his name has been appearing less and less because i have'nt been able to get together with them for quite some time now. i even missed his birthday...sorry popo...

i don't know why i never got past my infatuation with this guy. he's a playboy...and everybody knows it. he is one big flirt...it is no secret.

so with that being said,i should not think about him...and his smile.

i should not think about how he used to sneak right next to me whenever we hang out. the way you place your head on my lap and demand that i run my fingers through your hair or massage your head.

i should not think about the countless number of times you tried to ask a friend regarding my whereabouts when i'm not with them.

i should not think about that cold december evening where you willingly took off your shirt because i was cold.thank you, that was the closest i got to getting a hug from you that night.

i should not keep on thinking back during the picnic...and the badminton games...and the movies...and every other activity we did together...it only makes me miss you more.

never mind that we get all serious whenever talking after a few rounds of beer.never mind that we keep on badgering one another with witty criticisms every now and then.never mind that i was the person with whom you promised to that you are going to try to find a lady to truly love and care for.

never mind all that and the fact that i sometimes wish,i'd be that lucky gal.

never mind that i'm missing you today...i just hope tomorrow...it will all go away.