the morning after

they say that you should'nt shit in your backyard...but what if you did? what if contrary to what people say, it's not shit...not anywhere near it anyway.

what does watching a movie mean? texting when both are just a feet away so people would'nt know. what happens after spending the night in a friends attic lead to things other than sleeping? how do you act the morning after? or the next day? week? or month?

how do you deal with the fact that things have changed and will continue to do so? how do you reconcile with the thought that it may have meant something to you but not to him. you ask yourself "where do we stand?" not knowing if he is thinking the same or was it just a one night thing for him. you don't want a relationship...not yet though. you don't want to hear him say "i am attracted to you" just for the lack of better things to say. you just want to hear the truth.

his truth.

what he has to say. what he thinks. you want him to speak out loud and say something that would make sense to you or would shed light to the dark place you are currently in. you just wanted to know what it meant...if it even meant anything...at all.

you don't want to ask him. you don't want to look and feel like you're running after him. you don't want to put him on the spot because you don't want to hear him say something that may not be true. you don't want to look into his eyes and see the emptiness of the words he just uttered because he thinks that was what you needed to hear. you don't want to be patronized. you don't want to see him lie to your face because you're so sick and tired of being lied to over and over again.

so you sit in your little corner. convincing yourself that it's ok if you don't talk about it. telling yourself hundred of times that if it does'nt mean anything to him...it won't mean anything to you just the same. but at the back of your mind, just like a thief lurking in the dark, you know it means something...and you realize as it starts to sink in, that aside from the facts stated above why you don't want to confront him is this fear of knowing that you are not wanted...that you have been used in a way...that you were rejected...

it may have meant nothing to you, but i just want you to know, i gave you more than my body that night...it may not have been my heart...but a part of it...of what was left...i gave you my trust...and maybe the ability to make me feel this way...

that night i gave you the power...

to hurt me...

and that is what scares me...