last song syndrome

I Can't Make You Love Me
written by Mike Reid and Allen Shamblinas
performed by Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voicesinside my head

Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,don't patronize
Don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something
it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

I'll close my eyes
then I won't see
the love you don't feelwhen you're holding me
Morning will come
and I'll do what's right
just give me till thento give up this fight
and I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something
it won't
Here in the darkin these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

hormones

i did'nt go to work yesterday.
i felt lazy.
i did'nt go to work today.
because i was such a rabbit.
here i am, with nothing to do.
so i decided to post these movie punch lines that i never tire of reading...

You will see a lot of things,But they will mean nothing to youIf you lose sight of the one you love.---AT FIRST SIGHT

If you love someone you say it... you say it right then, out loud... or the moment just... passes you by.---MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING

I would rather have hadOne breath of her hair,One kiss from her mouth,One touch of her hand,Than an eternity without it...---CITY OF ANGELS

You will be doing anythingFor the one you love...Except love them again.---FAITHFUL

When you've found that person you want to spend the rest of ur life with, you want the rest of ur life to begin right away."---When Harry Met Sally

"Sometimes when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing."---Ally McBeal

"if two people are meant for each other, it doesn’t mean that they are meant for each other NOW."---pacey whitter "DAWSON'S CREEK"

I know it's a cornball thing, but love is passion,obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart... Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because the truth is, there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived... Stay open. Who knows?Lightning could strike.---MEET JOE BLACK

Dear Catherine,
I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in so long. I feel I've been lost. No bearings, no compass. I kept crashing into things, a little crazy I guess. I've never been lost before. You were my true north. I could always steer for home when you were my home. Forgive me for being so angry when you left. I still think some mistake's been made and I'm waiting for God to take it back. But I'm doing better now. The work helps me. Most of all, you help me.You came into my dream last night with that smile of yours that always held me like a lover, rocked me like a child. All I remember from the dream is a feeling of peace. I woke up with that feeling and tried to keep it alive as long as I could.I'm writing to tell you that I'm on a journey toward that peace. And to tell you I'm sorry about so many things. I'm sorry I didn't take better care of you so that you never spent one minute being cold or scared or sick. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to find the words to tell you what I was feeling. I'm sorry I never fixed the screen door. I fixed it now. I'm sorry I ever fought with you. I'm sorry I didn't apologize more. I was too proud. I'm sorry I didn't bring you more compliments on everything you wore and every way you fixed your hair. I'm sorry I didn't hold on to you with so much strength that even God couldn't pull you away.
All my love. G.---MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

I created my very own first breakup rule: Destroy all pictures where he looks sexy and you look happy. Breakup rule No. 2: Until emotionally stabilized, enter no stores. Breakup rule No. 3: Never stop thinking about him, even for a moment. because that's the moment he'll appear. And finally, the most important breakup rule: No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.---Carrie, from the sitcom SEX AND THE CITY

" i miss you so much it hurts"---SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE

"Half my days i cannot bear not to touch you, the rest of the time i feel it doesn't matter if i ever see you again. It isn't the mortality, it is how much you can bear....."---THE ENGLISH PATIENT

Do you believe in love? I bet you don't, you're probably too sensible for that. Have you ever seen someone and you know that if only that person really know you, they'd dump the perfect model they were with and realize that you are the one they want to grow old with? Have you ever fallen in love with someone you've never talked to? Have you ever been so alone you spent the night confusing a guy in a coma?---WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING

"anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time. there are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn't be one of them."---A DREAM FOR AN INSOMNIAC

"i'm here to love you, to hold you in my arms and to protect you. i'm here to learn from you and to receive your love in return. i'm here coz there's no other place to be."---MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

"Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am. And most of all, I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you."---DIRTY DANCING

"When you kiss someone, everything around you becomes hazy... and the only thing in focus is you and this person... And you realize that this person is the only person you should be kissing for the rest of your life... And for one moment, you get, this amazing gift... And you wanna laugh and ou wanna cry... Cuz you feel so lucky that you've found it and so scared that it'll go away all at the same time..."---NEVER BEEN KISSED

"how can you assume to be friends with someone when all you think about when you look at him is how much more you really want?"---joey, DAWSON'S CREEK

if two people love each other, but just cant seem to put things together, when would that point be.. when one would say enough is enough? NEVER.---THE MEXICAN

One day, you look at the person and see more than you did the day before, like a switch was flickered somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is suddenly the only person you can imagine yourself with.---Xfiles (series)

I feel like the best version of myself when i'm with you... and that makes me doubt everything else.---KEEPING THE FAITH

Is it possible to be just friends with someone I have these sort of non-moderate feelings for?... Or am I doomed forever to just be in love and ultimately significantly hurt?---Felicity

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever."--- Ally Mc Beal

update

ok, so yesterday, i said that a loooot of things has happened within the week.

it first started with the thing with paul. spending last saturday night sleeping (or pretending to be asleep) next to one another, where we ended up doing something foolish. i did'nt mind what happened, i just don't want him taking things seriously after that. it feels ackward, because sunday came and he was a little different, he just does'nt laugh as much but he stills go around throwing kick ass remarks at me.i don't know, i never imagined he would be serious about the whole thing. maybe i'm just not used to this new side of him.

anyway after that, came monday. i was hanging out at our house and was greeted by a text message from vhal, asking me if i don't have work and why am i not in my friend's bday. i was not shocked because prior to that we were already exchanging SMS already. so i SMSd him back telling him that we would be dropping by later because arnold was at the house and we are just finishing playing tong-its. he said that he really did'nt intend to go to the party but he thought that i would be there, so he came. he was a bit disaapointed to find me not there hence, texting me to drop by.

so, we arrived by around 12 am, he was still there and wasted no time in catching up with me. i just enjoyed the attention i was getting from him. i had this feeling early on that this would be a long night.

we drank even if i was scheduled for a training early next morning, i just don't want to pass the chance to get it on with him again because i was enduring 3 grueling months of celebacy already.
he kept on staring at me(because he was sitting across me in the room), and i pretended to be oblivious to the glances he was throwing my way.

i love the way he looks. it's not malicious, it's like he's seeing beyond my eyes, deep beneath my soul, to the very core of my desires.

he accompanied us on our way home, however, he asked me if we could hang out for a little more while to talk. so i agreed, and we went over a couple of things. it was really a meaningful conversation because after "the talk" i felt that we were on a more concrete ground.

he walked me home, holding my hand. when we got in front of our house, i just could not let him go without feeling him inside me again (forgive the language). i invited him in the garage because we could not do it in the house for we might wake up tita.

we kissed softly at first, passion and intensity increasing by the minute. when we could not restrain ourselves anymore, we got down and did it there. it was really unbelievable, it was so good, i almost cried (but of course, i did'nt).

we lingered there for a little more while before i let him go because it was already almost 4 am and we both have commitments at work we have to attend to that day.
he was still holding my hand and hugging me on his way out the gate, and before leaving, he kissed me on the forehead and promised to text early morning.

at that point, i was having these illusions, that we are exclusive already. is that pathetic? does it gives one the impression that you suddenly have a claim on that person just because you made love the previous night?

i don't know.

but he left, giving me that impression.

came tuesday, he texted in the morning before i left for work. i went undertime because it was keil's bday and we went swimming. before going home, i dropped by his to see him in his workplace. he greeted me with a smile and talked for a short while. he was adamant that we eat first because he very well knows, i did'nt eat breakfast. i ssured him that i was not hungry because i had a full lunch with my bunch of officemates. i told him im going ahead because people are actually waiting for me because of the outing. i was about to leave, when he ha;d my hand and told me, that he would be able to text me because he does'nt have credits at the moment. i had to fight my urge to smile. i was thinking while i was walking home, why did he have to say that when i was'nt asking him that he text me later. hhmmm...

maybe we really are exclusive...
but i still have to be sure.

wednesday, i SMSd him, and apparently, he still does'nt have credits because he did not SMSd back.

thursday...
i decided to drop by his workplace, and unfortunately he got out early and suddenly came this heavy downpour. and i was like "oh great!" by the time i got home, i was soaking wet.

i texted him.
me: huhuhu...i went by your workplace, sayang maaga ka pla nag-out. nabasa me ng ulan pro ok lang coz i hve my jacket.miss u!
him:sorry ha, di ko nman kasi alam eh,maaga kasi me nag-out, di ne me nag-ot.
sana po mgtxt k nxt time pra alm ko. sorry talaga ha! asn k na?
me: dito na me haus, pwede k ba off sa monday? sundo mo me sa office tapos kain tau.
him:sorry di me pwede mag off ng mon. kasi i hve to finish my sales report by that day ksi tues and office day ko, kailangan ko mag report sa sup ko.pro daan me dyan mga 7pm that day,ok? sorry tlaga h.mapapagltn ksi ako pag d me ngreport eh.
me:ah ganun b? ok lng pnta ka n lng dito sa bahay ngaun? kahit sandli lang, kiss mo lang me tpos uwi ka na,hehehe, miss u na eh!
him: o cige, antayin mo me h, pnta na k, now na. kaso sandali lang ha, mga 5 hrs lang, hehehe
me:ok, yehey!

shortly after that, he came and asked if he could was his feet kasi maputik. i was really overwhelmed, because i thought that he won't make time for me, hehehe, kala ko lang pla un. arnold was around again when he came and they greeted each other because they used to play in the same team during their basketball days.
he was there, holding my hand, teasing me, while we play tong-its. i really was touched by his sweetness ( ang corny ko!bwahaha!) especially when he saw that i was berefooted, he placed his feet underneath mine and said "kunwari ako ung slippers mo". i smiled. i'm sorry, but i really am a mushy person. and while speaking in low tones like most couples do around other people, i can see bhe and arnold's face, they were like sick with the sight of us like that.

hehehe, la kau magagawa, pa lovers kami eh.

apparently, sandali lang lasted for two hours. he kissed me good night and we walked them out because vhal and arnold was leaving together. i was a little apologetic to vhal because he forgot that he needed to get his hair cut because of me. well, he still was able to get it cut. i SMSd him today, so i know.

i'm looking forward to monday because we already have plans for that day.

so, what do you think? are we exclusive? do i have to ask him that? i feel really stupid for wanting answers to these questions, but i really need a verbal confirmation about this whole thing. maybe i'm just being more careful, i don't want to crash and burn again.that would be too much. too painful. too soon.

my friends tell me that, we are grown ups now. we don't have to act like high school boys and girls anymore.

maybe i'll just go with the flow...see what happens...
who know's, this time might be different...
hopefully...

some other time

for the past days that i was not able to blog, a looooot of things happened. however, as much as i want to publish the events that took place these past few days, i'm afraid i'm running out of time because at my current status, i do not have a personal computer at home. i only steal a couple of hours from work everyday to publish posts in my blog. and in a matter of minutes, my shift would almost be over, so i guess i'll just have to update you guys on my next post.

tata...

no turning back now

i've crossed the point of no return.

it's like head on collision.

so, brace yourselves, ladies and gentleman...

i'm about to fall in love again...

not interested...anymore

saw vhal last night. i intentionally did not greet him because i don't feel like flirting with him especially if i'm sleep deprieved. so he was like "ayos ah, parang may sakit lang ako ha" (because he was not dense enough not to notice i was sort of avoiding him).
so when i got home i made it appoint to text him and give him some crap of an excuse so as to give the impression that i was not really avoiding him, that i'm just pissed off by the fact that i was not able to pick up my laundry and i have to wear lousy clothes the next day.

aside from that, i realized that i'm really not interested in him anymore.

first and foremost because he really lives up to his nickname.
you wanna know what that is?
"vhal noning"
he really acts like a retard sometimes (exaggeration)...
ok not really, but the bottom line is that i can't figure him out.

he's like sweet and attentive one moment then rude and insensitive the next.
what the hell is wrong with you?
oh...maybe you just don't want to commit to a relationship, but you do flirt a lot for a person who's cautious not to give the wrong impression.

so what's with the crap of telling me that you really like me? even asked my to be your girlfriend, but i assumed that was a joke so i just smiled and said "don't play with me".

well, could you just stop dropping in and out of my life.

could you please stop telling your friends which happens to be my buddies that you're looking for me and that you're going to drop by the house when you really don't.

could you please stop attending to my needs every time that we are together as if you are my boyfriend.

and could you please, please, stop being someone temporary in my life. i want somebody for keeps, not just some meantime boyfriend.

i'm

just

not

interested.

not anymore.

sleep deprived

i'm so dizzy. i have'nt got enough sleep for 3 straight fucking days now. and if i'm going to count the actual hours i have slept since sunday night, it would only account for 6 hours.
can you believe that?
and i go to work everyday for ten hours.
at the moment i feel sick. i asked the company nurse for a biogesic to ease the headache.
how i wish i was at home.
resting and being taken care of.
i wish you were here.
i wish anybody was here...

dont play me...

for those people who have read my recent post about my guy friends,you'd remember "paul".

so who the hell is paul?

apparently he's this really funny (which is an understatement) guy in our group. and from the start my best friend,bhe, was always try to play match maker, kept on telling me over and over that we look good together. i never paid any attention to her because at first i could not see myself being emotionally involved with paul.

yes, there's no question that he's the funniest guy around but i was never attracted to guys who kiss and tell. everytime we'd spend time among friends, he'd always have stories regarding the ladies he have slept with the week ago or a month ago (heck, does the times really matter?!). bottom line is he enjoys narrating these stories to us everytime we hang out. i don't really mind because i'm not a hypocrite and being among guys since i was a child, i learned to get comfortable talking about our respective sex lives.

so, we were cool at first, then came the time when a day would not be complete if we do not engage in an arguement. it's not the type of arguement where we end up fighting, i think it's our way of "making lambing" to one another. my friends even bet that eventually we'd grow on each other and might even end up as a couple.

ladies and gentlemen, i believe that we are only steps away from that direction.

and i'm getting scared by the minute.

why?

because he verbally confesses that he has the hots for me.

because he's a player and i'm not.

because i don't want to be among the ladies he just goes around sleeping with.

because i want i real relationship; i don't need a "fuck buddy".

because he's starting to grow on me.

because he makes me smile.

because we really make a good team in badminton.

because i am starting to fall...

hard and fast.

you

i know you've probably been having the time of your life now that i'm gone.

you've maybe even got somebody new that you get to shower with your empty promises.

i'm glad i'm not that person anymore. i'm still thankful that i was able to get away from your grip. you don't have anything on me now, not love, not affection, not even pity.
even if it cost me my family, my dreams, and my life, i could say it was still a blessing not to live behind your shadows anymore.

who do you think you are?
taking over some lady's life and making her believe that you were her war hero and that she should be thankful just because you graced her non-existent, monotonous life with your presence.

you were right when you told me...
that you were not as great as i think you are.

you were right when you told me...
that you are just a tailor-made clown.
a third world punk.

and most especially,
you were right when you told me...
that i was the smartest of all the ladies you've had, because i could actually talk some sense into you.

you even told me i was smarter than you.

and i believed you.

and i know for a fact i was smarter than you.

you know why?

simple.

i left you...



i left you.

advisory

ok,so most of the guys i work with at the office really liked the post about the meantime girl.

yes,it was indeed very nice and a lot of people actually can relate to it.

however,i want to tell you that is not an original piece of mine.

i just posted it because i know a lot of ladies could actually relate to that piece.

yeah...we are all meantime girls in our own way...

meantime girl

because i'm a meantime girlShe's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable ' she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She's just so cool...why can't all women be like that?

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs ' she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux. She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

there...

my gream guy

Take the quiz: "What does your dream guy look like? PICTURES"

Punk Guy
You want a man who is artictic and musical, who shares your interests and styles

what do i do

what do you do when your ex boyfriend's girlfriend,who happened to be very jealous of you,found out that you slept at his house?

not the type that was found through word of mouth but you were caught red-handed.

with nothing on but ex boyfriend's big t-shirt and your panty like sleep shorts that was barely visible under the shirt.

what do you do when she finds you hiding back by the kitchen crouched like a thief afraid of being found out?

what do you say when she's on a roll thinking that you and his boyfriend spent the night having passionate sex?

what do you do when she walks out that door and you see your ex-boyfriend,her boyfriend close to tears because he did'nt even try to run after her?

what do i say when she calls me and asks me to tell her what happened? crying as she asks me confirm her suspicions?
what do you say when after telling her that nothing happened,she tells you "knowing you jam'" then slams the fone loud enough to impair your hearing as long as you live?

let me tell you one thing gurl:

believe it or not,nothing happened between me and your botfiend.

believe it or not,unlike other people we know what respect means.not just respect for you but respect for ourselves.

believe it or not,you don't know me like you're claiming just because you had a peak at my crazy life.

believe it or not,you were lucky you were talking through the phone because if you had the guts and tried saying that to my face,i would'nt think twice about slapping you as hard as your words slapped me.

i know you have the right to be mad because you don't want to believe that nothing actually happened.it's so much easier for you to think that your boyfriend for almost 2 years is a jerk who go around sleepin with her ex-girlfriend when you're not around.
it's easier for you to judge other people just because you felt that being hurt warranted you the right to verbally abuse them.

you know what,you don't deserve him,he deserves somebody who would give him the benefit of the doubt,you of all people should know him better.

so if you don't want to believe that we are actually innocent of what you are thinking we are capable of doing,then screw you!

i don't give a damn what you think?!

boo fucking hoo!

all i know is that i am innocent.
you may have caught me wearing almost nothing but a t-shirt,but when we slept,our hands are actually where they need to be.
we were two mature people crashing together,and that's all about it.

i'm not as fucked up as you think i am.
so don't pretend to know me ok?
coz you never got an inch close to knowing the real me because apparently, a person's sexlife does'nt necessary account for his whole life.
think about that.
for a change,try using your head.

huhuhu

i'm really sad,found out today that this guy i was drooling over for some time in work apparently has a girlfriend...pakshet!

and what got a little irritated (which i don't have any right to be) was the fact that while helping another agent (because my crush is a "floor walker"), her girlfriend who is also a floor walker kept coming over to this agent's station. and she was like stroking his hair,and i have to bite my lip to stop myself from screaming "can't you see that he's working?!" and "could you just not touch him when i'm around?!" (as if he's my property).

i was really trying hard not look at them especially when my station was adjacent to the station of the agent he was helping out. i was really green with jealousy i was ready to strangle the life out of her. until her eyes bulge and she dies slowly in my hands.

hahaha.


of course i was joking.


you really did'nt think i was capable of murder,did you?
and i'm not even a violent person to start with.
and besides,i don't even like him that much...


of course,i'm lying.
harharhar.

good thing,my other object of affection,who at this point i still don't have an idea of the name and which i happen to be sharing with a close coworker named maia, approached both of us just as i was about to cry (exaggeration, of couse) and asked if we wanted to participate into some badminton competition. maia and i just could'nt help ourselves but flirt a little bit...

ok...i admit,it was more than a little bit...
could you blame us? we find him so goddamn appealling.

he's practically oozing with sex appeal!
(exaggeration again.. :))

and guess what? our best efforts in flirting was reciprocated generously by this bald gentleman (ok,i did'nt like the way bald gentleman sounded ). he's semi-kalbo kasi if you want to know.

we told him that we both would participate in their silly badminton competition.
after asking us to write down both our names on a piece of paper,which i assumed it was for registration purposes. when he saw the paper with our names guess what?

(oh come on...guess...)

he asked us to include contact numbers specifically our mobile numbers.
whowho! high five girl!

maia and i just exchanged knowing glances and we both were supressing smiles.
and we emerged victorious!
ha..haha..haha..

these everyday little pleasures is what motivates me to actually wake up at 3am to come to work.

unfortunately,it's my off tomorrow.

:( sayang naman!

wishful thinking

i'm having hallucinations lately.i don't know if this is because of lack of sleep,or if i've been craving to sleep with somebody lately.

don't get me wrong.i'm not really the type who go around sleeping with the next guy available.heck,i don't even know what a motel room looks like.
or maybe you're thinking "maybe you're not really desirable to deserve a dose of decent fuck."

well,fuck you!

i could be desirable if i want to.

i could be a flirt if a want to.

i could even be a stripper if i want to.

hell,i could be anything i want to.

but at the moment,all i want is to be desired for the right reasons...

to spend the night devouring each other like maniacs on the loose and actually have the strenght afterwards to talk...or kiss...or cuddle...

talk and make fun about almost anything under the moonlit sky.

to make plans for the near future.

to actually have the guts to look each other in the eye and say how much you both wanted to ba a part of each other's life.

and just about now,this very minute,i realize i don't really miss having sex.
i miss having somebody.

for real.

and maybe for keeps.

i miss making love.

to you.

hopefully, when i go to sleep tonight and wake up the next day,
i'll forget all about this craving for you.

to connect to you.

hopefully.

karma

i'm tired...really,really tired...
not just from my work, or my schedule
but from the way life is going at the moment

i'm not moving forward
i'm stuck in the middle of an endless cycle
with no past to look back to

since it was the one thing that caused me
my life's greatest pains...

broken ties, broken hearts, and broken dreams
you name it, i have it all...

sometimes, life really has a way of getting
back at you...

grippin' you hard by the balls...one painful
moment at a time...

it's like when it starts,it's on a roll,
you can't stop it...

because whether you like it or not,
it's gonna come your way,

and most of the time it catches you
unprepared...during your weakest moments

either leaving you dead or bleeding bad...
it's criminal, it's sinister, it's inhuman...

but that what makes us stronger individuals...
by beating the odds...
by charging with all that we have
and by surviving...
one...fucking day...at a time...

...weekends with the guys...

well,we have this thing during the weekends with my guy friends to see to it that we spend the day together. it does'nt matter if we are gambling the afternoon away, or having a picnic at the back of paul's house or even boozing the night away evethough we know that the next would be either a school day or a working day. what i like the most about these guys is that because they do not have galfriends before,they treat us so special...not the special princess-like treatment but the one where joking and fooling around still has room but when it gets to the real deal, they all get so protective...i love that feeling,its really nice to feel cared for,it's heavenly to know that there are other persons looking after you...worried when you don't make it home when you are supposed to...worried sick when they know that something is bothering you big time,they would do everything just to make you smile,even crack the corniest of jokes,some would even go through an extra mile like humiliating himself in front of the whole group by singing out of tune...it's really mababaw and everything,but being the sentimental and mellow dramatic person that i am,i'm really touched by the efforts,so paul (which is actually a guy i'm flirting with at the moment..)thanks for making me smile...baby arnold,thank you for always pretending to be my jealous boyfriend,i really miss that...chobelly,thanks for always brightening up my day with your smart-ass punch lines and your infectious laughter...papa bear,thanks for making every smoking moment with you so much worthwhile...gido,eventhough your really not around most of the time,still,thank you for making sure i get my ride home every night when most of them are still busy gambling the night away...
maybe what im trying to say is that,with all the fuck that has happened in my so-called-life,i believe i'm still fortunate because life did'nt robbed me the oppurtunity to have these really amazing people in my life...
and i would just like to add,though bhe is not a guy, just want you to know that i really appreciate you sticking with me through all this shit,thank you for being the sister i never had...i really love you guys...

..shitless scared...

oh my god!because im such an atrimitida,i made a really huge mistake at work, and whats worst is that they know i was responsible for the fuck up...and at this point i'm really prayin' hard that the customer wont complain because when that happens im dead meat! i'd be jobless....oh my god! i'm freakin scared at the moment. i really need this job...desperately.it's hard when youre independent,you get to experience feeling scared about losing your job,having no money in your hands to spare...
i really feel guilty because the passenger who suffered from my know-it-all kagagahan was actually a very nice person (that's why i'm praying that maybe she's also nice enough not to file a complaint against me...oh god,help me...)