more lies

after reading your email, i was restless. it was not long that i found myself texting you again, rebattling your message with one of my own. throwing questions one after the other, and not being open enough to hear out the answer.

i texted you, words masked with the underlying tone of indifference...i was once again pretending. we exchanged a number of messages, you trying to explain while i sit back, throw questions, listened.

i weighted the possibility of being seduced again to a state of uncertainty, the very phase of my life that i recently ran away from...that i'm still running away from, which is all in vain. the harder and farther i run, the faster you catch up on me. it's like whether i choose to run or hide, you keep up with me, i'm trapped. trapped in this labyrinth that i had created for myself. how can somebody be your true north and at the same time be your pitfall?

we talked about working things out. you asked me to give you the same benefit of a doubt that i would normally give the person next to me, i agreed. you asked me to try and hear you out first before consulting with other people, i agreed.

until, my sister texted me. my sister told me "she" was there. my sister told me that "she" would probably be spending the night. so all the while you where texting me, "she" sits in your living room, while you are outside, sneaking behind "her" back trying to set a date for us to conclude the long overdued talk. if i was one hell of a bitch, i should have jumped for joy. especially after my sister told me that "she" seems a little suspicious and started tinkering with your cellphone demanding to know who you were texting. you subtly brushed her off, saying in your most nonchalant voice, "i don't know".

in my next life, i should be reincarnated as a bitch. that should have beeen the perfect tele novela moment, where the antagonist smiles deviously as her plans gently fall into place, while she makes life a living hell for the leading lady.

problem is, i don't wanna be the antagonist. even in real life, i was never the type.

then came morning. i was at work. my sister texted me and informed me of the "gory" (that was her term, not mine) scenario that she had graced upon waking up at 4am. my sister found "her" draped in just a blanket, apparently flushed from an evening of passionate love making.

i was speechless. it was like i was stoned. i did'nt want to move. my breathing ceased for a while.i took a break, lit a cigarette and inhaled the smoke as hard as i can until i can feel my chest ache and tighten. the pain was nothing compared to what i was feeling. it does not even come close to giving justice to the kind of torture i was undergoing.

and you tell me you wanted a second chance.

you tell me you love me and want to work things out.

you tell me lies everytime, all the time and i wonder why i never learn. why i never get tired of hearing it over and over again.

would you rather just take my life? slit my throat, or bang my head to the wall until i bleed to death? or do i need to have this heart of mine frozen until its numb and hard, until it is devoid of feeling, or until its unable to recognize any emotion known to human kind.

i'd rather die an instant death. can somebody shoot me now?