...final note...

i wrote you my final letter...god knows how many of those i've written for you in the past...so many i can't begin to count them.
in those letters,the theme was always the same,i'm pissed off or...you hurt my feelings...or you take me for granted...all that and a lot more.

imagine how it must be tiring to start reading a couple of these and know instantly from reading the first few paragraphs how it would end.it's like watching a couple different movies with the same plot.just a difference in people,in places and in scripts but basically,still the same.

yes,it is tiring to say goodbye over and over again...you think that doing it often than you need to would actually lessen the impact...the pain,but it does'nt.because no matter how many times you do it...it hurts the same...sometimes more than the first time,or the last time you did it.

most of the time,we try to justify our decisions only to feel doubtful whether or not we did the right thing. we expect them to come after us,you tell yourself "if he really loves me...he'll want me back and pursue me...".you run this scenario in your head...you plan what you will say...you play this mental image over and over again that you begin to feel every emotion that it would trigger when it happens...but you don't know how to deal with it when it goes the other way around.you know the cliche "if you love someone you should let them go..."but they never say what to do when they don't come back.you did'nt have time to play that one scenario in your head when everything turns out differently...you cry yourself to sleep or on some occassion,drink yourself into a state way beyong being drunk not to care if you are crying and pouring your heart out to a drunk audience.then, you wake up in the morning with a bad case of hangover, thought about the previous night and instead of feeling better, you feel worse.it starts to sink in...he's not coming back.you paint a mental picture of him smiling happily with a new beau.you cry again...it's the same unending cycle...you die a little everyday.

we sometimes wonder if we would ever get tired...of crying...of saying goodbye...of meeting a new person who you know would eventually leave you and bring you back to square one.

i'm not tired...i'm hurting...way beyond words and way beyond tears.but what more can one do,when the only person they have built their world around turns his back to be with somebody else?you try running after him,emotional blackmail and all sorts of things that would stricken him with grief...but still,he's not coming back running to your arms...he stikcs with her.

sometimes we should just set them free...no matter how painful,we close our eyes and pray the hardest to be set free in return...to be set free from all the anger and the pain...to clearly understand that time does not really heal our wounds...we just get used to living and going on with our respective lives without them in it...we close our eyes and pray our hardest for courage...courage to face each and everyday that they are gone...we close our eyes and pray our hardest for strenght...strenght to wipe our tears after crying for a long time...

its easier said than done...i know...i just did it tonight.
i closed my eyes...wiped my tears...and prayed my hardest for freedom...for courage...and for strenght...and i thank god for those people who have been there for me and continually be there for me everytime my world crumbles down into pieces...